Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
