I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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