It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
