Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
