I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
