i think my mom watched the whole time
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
