so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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