A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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