I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
