What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
