I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
