i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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