Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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