I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
