i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
