I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
