So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
