i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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