I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
