just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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