You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
