There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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