Someone shit on the floor
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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