Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
