It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
