My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
