Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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