he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
