I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
