I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
