Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
either way he was missing a nipple.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize