I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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