I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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