So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
