god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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