The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
