Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
