pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
