I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
