Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I enjoy the company of your penis
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