im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
