Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
