I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
