and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
