Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
