Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
