This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
