I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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