Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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