My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
