I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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