at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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