not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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