Where did you get a picture of my penis
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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