On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
