winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
