god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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