Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
