How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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