I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
