I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
