Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
