An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
