I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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