He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
