Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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