I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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