i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
