im drinking this country out of the recession.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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