My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
