Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
